Eating My Son’s Poop

The sharp pains in my stomach like knives pushing into the sides of my abdomen; constant stomach aches, and trips to the bathroom to either excrete waste in the form of vomit or diarrhea. For a month or so I have been dealing with stomach problems which I correlate to a poor diet and stress. I have tried reducing stress and eating better foods like more fiber; however, none of these remedies seemed to have worked, thus I decided it was time to go visit the doctors.

I awaited answers from my doctor sitting on that thin paper on the medical exam table staring down at the linoleum floor. After what felt like hours my hypnotic staring contest with the ground was interrupted by a knock. My doctor came in and sat at the swivel chair in the middle of the room. She told me that I may have a gastrointestinal infection. My doctor recommended a fecal transplant. Sadly, there was no way my insurance could cover the fecal pills and there was no way I could pay for them out of pocket. I left the doctors discouraged feeling as I was fated to live an eternity with these horrible stomach aches.

3 days passed and it felt as though the stomach pains worsened since my doctor’s visit. How crazy is that, usually going to the doctors subsides or heals you from what defects you are dealing with. Like the scriptures say about man being weak and taunted by temptation, as more time passed I became more and more desperate to escape this hell I was living in. Suddenly, an idea placed its self in my head.

This is how my big plan to cure me of these pains came about. I laid on my couch like I usually do, watching tv while being as still as possible to ensure I don’t cause any pain from moving around. I pondered on the pills I needed to buy that would end my suffering.

“What am I buying?” “Well, I would be buying fecal matter in small capsules.” “Why is it so expensive?” “Probably another big sham by big pharma”
Then it dawned on me; “Why don’t I just eat someone’s poop?” Yes, this was the answer to my problem. I had another problem. “Whose poop would I eat?” I quickly came to the answer my son because he is gay so probably from all that gay sex he probably has the highest amount of bacteria in his shit.
The plan is simple, one afternoon I will tamper with the toilet so that it doesn’t flush. After my son uses the restroom, well it’s game time baby; time to scarf down as much as possible.

Now this was the plan, but we all know plans usually aren’t 100 percent foolproof; as of now, you are probably assuming that my plan didn’t really go to plan, and you would be correct. This is what really happened, in the beginning, everything followed the plan to the teeth from tampering with the toilet to my son using the toilet. This is when the plan started to go awry. I entered the bathroom the second my son left (we have no bathroom lock so I had to be quick) this is the part of the plan I didn’t think out as much. How was I going to eat the poop?

After a long staredown with the tempered stew of poop and toilet paper that sat in the white porcelain bowl, I grabbed a clump with my bare hand and with my other hand plugged my nose and quickly threw back the stool concoction into my mouth. I swallowed it and gagged. Then the taste of my gay son’s poop left my mouth when my son knocked at the door. Without thinking and in a panic I decided to scarf down as much poop as possible. As more time passed the small knocking turned into him banging violently on the door. Then the door opened in a violent clash and I turned my head.
I was on my hands and knees bent over the toilet and there was poop all around and in my mouth. “WHAT THE FUCK!!!” My son screams. At that moment I felt a chaotic dissonance arising from my stomach and out my mouth. And like a Buster Keaton film, my son was slipping and sliding on the floor trying to stop me while I slurped up the vomity poop from the floor while shoveling loads of poop from the toilet into my mouth.

I can’t say my plan ended peacefully as this created constant bickering for a month between my son, my husband, and I. Now an unnerving silence between the two of them and I has taken place. I will consider it a victory as it did cure my stomach aches and I feel as though through my crude actions I proved big pharma is a sham.